#Novellines: A Rant and a Plea

For those of you not on Twitter, you’re really missing out on this really cool hash-tag, #novellines… which I believe is pronounced nah-vehl-leens or perhaps nah-veh-yeens. Anywho, the whole “thing” behind these 140-character blurbs is to pimp your novel or a favorite novel by tweeting random lines. Now, I think this is a really cool idea, I honestly do. But I also think that people are really dumb. And especially – apparently – independent (remember – that’s what we’re calling ourselves nowadays) authors.

If you do a quick search of #novellines you’ll see such award-winning lines as:

“I knew that if he told me, then I would know. #NovelLines”

“There was a hunger in her. A hunger that I knew no bacon double-cheeseburger could sate. #NovelLines”

“’That boy’s no good for you.’ ‘Why not?’ I asked. ‘Because… he’s a fallen were-vampire angel… from HELL.’ #NOVELLINES”

“I hadn’t seen her for a long time. At least not like this… in public… with her knowing that I saw her. #novellines”

Okay… so maybe those weren’t legitimate #novellines, but they’re a good example of what quality you'll get. Sure, you’ll occasionally find a rare treat, a diamond-in-the-giant-garbage-bin-full-of-rancid-trash, but more often than not, you’ll be getting some tired, on the nose selection of dialogue or some cheesy description of a vampire sorceress’s two big, bulging teeth. 

I love Twitter, but the whole tweet-machine is a very good argument for independent authors to have agents or PR people of some kind. Now, some of the authors out there use it responsibly. They post a link to a blog or to their book once a week or every few days. Heck, even some of them post a really good #novellines every now and again. They pick legitimately good sections of their work, probably ask a few people - to double-check their own biases - and post that line once… maybe again a few weeks later at the soonest. Then there are the spammers. I would hate these people, but when they’re spamming really, really badly, I can’t help but feel sorry for them... knowing full well that someday very soon (hopefully) I will become them (not-hopefully). 

Part of me wants to send these people a private message and say, “Hey, you might want to spell check these excerpts you’re posting” or “Is that really the best line of your book? I really liked this line, why don’t you use it?” An even bigger part wants to scream, “It’s the same audience as two hours ago!” Eventually, if you post about your accomplishments, your little baby’s first steps, your really great method to get bloodstains out of carpet squares, too much, you get Un-Followed. Or Un-Friended in the case of Facebook. At the least, people will Hide your updates because they’re tired of their feed being filled with your Spotify song of the minute. 

I’ve blogged about the importance of honest editor-friends before, and this is my open invitation for filtering. In the coming months (I say months to give myself plenty of window to surprise people with an “earlier” production cause ‘months’ can mean up to eleven), I will begin touting my own wares similar to a stay-at-home mom guilting her friends into buying a $20 candle and a canteen full of facial cream. My request to you is that you tell me to shut up. If I spit out a line that makes you want to not-read again ever, maybe be like, “Hey, Dallas, you’re really tall and all, but I don’t think that selection you posted is the best example of your work.” And I’ll say, “Thanks for the compliment and the honest critique,” and go cry myself to sleep. Or if I’m filling up your feed, just send me a quick, subtle message and say, “Hey, knock it off, you self-promoting hack. Nobody cared 5 minutes ago when you posted the link, and no one cares now. Heck, no one will care in 5 more minutes or 5 more years! Also, I really like the stubbly-facial hair look you’ve got going right now.” Again, critique and compliment… makes it easier to digest.

Okay. This is getting way too long. I expect plenty of TL;DR comments. /rant

Incomplete Thoughts on Completion

Have you ever noticed that things often become very difficult if you don’t have a deadline? Or a schedule? Or any self-discipline? Or a stack of imported Anime DVDs to watch with your wife? 

What has it been like eleventy months since I last blogged? Yeah, sure, I haven’t been active here in a while, but that’s not really what I’m talking about. I’m talking about a book, or – heck – how I approach projects in general. The closer I get to finishing, the more I find myself distracted, disengaged, and full of excuses. 

It’s like making a move in chess but keeping your finger on the piece. You’re pretty sure that moving your knight forward places the king in check and blocks retribution from the rook because your queen still has a bead on the crown. But what about that pawn, and that bishop, and that other pawn? Is this really the best possible move to make? I’ll just keep my finger here… maybe slide the piece back and forth between here and it’s starting position just to make sure I know what I’m doing. Meanwhile, I’m already thinking ahead to the next move, the next book, and trying to make sure that this play sets that one up properly, and the guy across the board from me has started playing Pokemon because he’s lost interest in the game. Ooh, Pokemon is fun. Maybe you should be playing that instead of chess.

Or maybe you’re decorating your Christmas tree with your family and you’ve got the tinsel spaced perfectly, the ornaments distributed nicely, the tinkerbell tree-topper looks great… everything’s working. Or so you’re told. You’re not so sure about the lights though… and that’s a pretty big deal. Plus, when you asked Steven about it, he was all wincing, and sucking in air through his teeth, and kind-of bobbly-headed with his response. Maybe you should just pull off a couple of layers and rebuild. But at least with Christmas décor you have a deadline. 

Right now, the last thing I want to do is rush, but eventually, if you sit there too long, you get hemorrhoids. And nobody wins with hemorrhoids… except maybe the company that makes Tucks.