About the Author

I’m in a strange place right now. I have to write an About the Author section, but I have absolutely no idea how to go about it. I’m finding that I just don’t know how to write about myself. It’s weird, too, because I love talking about myself. You would think it would be a simple matter of writing all those wonderful words down. No polyhedral dice.

I could write about all sorts of other people: my daughter, Napoleon Bonafrog, that guy who works at the copy shop and doesn’t know how to use a computer and almost formatted my flashdrive instead of opening it. Heck, I could even write a really great biography of my wife. It would go something like this:

Jenny was born, blah blah blah, met Dallas Caldwell, blah blah blah, married Dallas Caldwell, probably died in a starfighter mishap in 2062 because her contacts dried out.

See? That was easy. So why is it so difficult to sum up my life in a paragraph in such a way that people don’t think I’m a smarmy d-bag… without lying to them? I’m tempted to bet on the idea that no one actually reads the About the Author page and just throw in a string of garbled words, but even that would take effort to craft it in such a way that it looked purposefully chaotic. I can’t talk about High School Dallas who was into sports and Star Wars and making fun of people to make himself feel better about his own shortcomings. I can’t talk about the Dallas that spends inordinate amounts of time thinking about the combative superiority hierarchy (CSH) of Captain America, Captain Planet, Captain Kangaroo, and Captain Caveman (the top’s not who you’d think). And I definitely can’t talk about the Dallas with a birthmark below his right nipple that has completely disappeared in a sea of manly curls. 

Which, if you take those things out of the equation, leaves me with very little interesting fluff. And without fluff, my core shouldn’t really be about me. But then again, neither should my writing. I will never be a visionary evangelist like C.S. Lewis, but I hope that, like him, I can hide a little bit of truth in stories about swords and magic and unusual creatures. Fantasy, to me, is about faith in something greater and acceptance that we, the protagonists, are not the end-all, be-all of the universe, but that we can find significance through the opportunity we have to be part of a much bigger story.

Trailing Triple Banana Peels

The new year has only just begun and already I am behind on like ninety-three things. No, the book isn’t finished yet, I’ve got a huge list of home repairs waiting, it’s our busiest time of the year at work right now, I’m only at 60% on Harry Potter Lego Years 5-7, and I forgot to bathe this week. Needless to say, my life is feeling a bit frenetic right now (which is currently my favorite word… “frenetic” not “now”). I’m using my lunch break to squeeze out this blog post, and I’ve got some wicked bad acid reflux working (I blame the Totino’s pizza I had for dinner last night). 

Over the Christmas Break, I was able to develop pretty nice momentum. I worked about 4-6 hours per day on my book, hung out with my wife and daughter, started IV breeding modest Ludicolos named Ludikulus, and even thought about cleaning out the garage. I also spent a lot of time reading self-publishing guides, getting advice from pros like JA Konrath (via his blog… he hasn’t called me personally… yet), and watching my Twitter-enabled self-publishing-colleagues announce their new books every other day. Which, of course, made me feel like I was sitting on my butt doing nothing despite my forward momentum. 

It was then that I realized I needed a pacing car… and it sure as heck couldn’t be JA Konrath or Amanda Hocking. They’re way too successful. No. What I need is a ghost-me-pacing-car, like on Mario Kart when you do the time trials the second time. It doesn’t matter how fast Donkey Kong is on the straight-a-way or how easily Dry Bones takes curves, it only matters that I push the throttle a little bit harder than last time, and that I hug the corner a little bit closer this time. 

So, while I don’t have a release date set for my book, I do have small goals that I am setting for myself, completing each lap as it comes. It’s very close, and I’m getting more excited every day, but I also want each step to be taken purposefully and not rush headlong over a cliff because I get too excited about my Invicibility Star. I just have to keep reminding myself that if you go too fast and break out to the front of the pack you quickly find a blue turtle shell crammed up your tailpipe.

As an added bonus (for those of you working on your own books), I decided to give a small piece of advice regarding formatting your e-book… or rather converting it for use with a Kindle. Any document can be dropped into your Kindle. All you have to do is convert it to HTML using Word’s Save As Webpage function. Amazon has a pretty nifty program that will do the rest of the conversion. However, it is not so easy to use. The guide on Amazon suggests that you use the Command prompt to run your KindleGen with the associated HTML file for conversion. This didn’t work for me… at all. It was 500 times easier just to drag the HTML file onto the KindleGen. 

I don’t know why that option isn’t listed (there’s probably a good reason, but I haven’t seen any drawbacks yet… all my image files transferred properly and it retained its formatting). Anywho, hope that helps.

#Novellines: A Rant and a Plea

For those of you not on Twitter, you’re really missing out on this really cool hash-tag, #novellines… which I believe is pronounced nah-vehl-leens or perhaps nah-veh-yeens. Anywho, the whole “thing” behind these 140-character blurbs is to pimp your novel or a favorite novel by tweeting random lines. Now, I think this is a really cool idea, I honestly do. But I also think that people are really dumb. And especially – apparently – independent (remember – that’s what we’re calling ourselves nowadays) authors.

If you do a quick search of #novellines you’ll see such award-winning lines as:

“I knew that if he told me, then I would know. #NovelLines”

“There was a hunger in her. A hunger that I knew no bacon double-cheeseburger could sate. #NovelLines”

“’That boy’s no good for you.’ ‘Why not?’ I asked. ‘Because… he’s a fallen were-vampire angel… from HELL.’ #NOVELLINES”

“I hadn’t seen her for a long time. At least not like this… in public… with her knowing that I saw her. #novellines”

Okay… so maybe those weren’t legitimate #novellines, but they’re a good example of what quality you'll get. Sure, you’ll occasionally find a rare treat, a diamond-in-the-giant-garbage-bin-full-of-rancid-trash, but more often than not, you’ll be getting some tired, on the nose selection of dialogue or some cheesy description of a vampire sorceress’s two big, bulging teeth. 

I love Twitter, but the whole tweet-machine is a very good argument for independent authors to have agents or PR people of some kind. Now, some of the authors out there use it responsibly. They post a link to a blog or to their book once a week or every few days. Heck, even some of them post a really good #novellines every now and again. They pick legitimately good sections of their work, probably ask a few people - to double-check their own biases - and post that line once… maybe again a few weeks later at the soonest. Then there are the spammers. I would hate these people, but when they’re spamming really, really badly, I can’t help but feel sorry for them... knowing full well that someday very soon (hopefully) I will become them (not-hopefully). 

Part of me wants to send these people a private message and say, “Hey, you might want to spell check these excerpts you’re posting” or “Is that really the best line of your book? I really liked this line, why don’t you use it?” An even bigger part wants to scream, “It’s the same audience as two hours ago!” Eventually, if you post about your accomplishments, your little baby’s first steps, your really great method to get bloodstains out of carpet squares, too much, you get Un-Followed. Or Un-Friended in the case of Facebook. At the least, people will Hide your updates because they’re tired of their feed being filled with your Spotify song of the minute. 

I’ve blogged about the importance of honest editor-friends before, and this is my open invitation for filtering. In the coming months (I say months to give myself plenty of window to surprise people with an “earlier” production cause ‘months’ can mean up to eleven), I will begin touting my own wares similar to a stay-at-home mom guilting her friends into buying a $20 candle and a canteen full of facial cream. My request to you is that you tell me to shut up. If I spit out a line that makes you want to not-read again ever, maybe be like, “Hey, Dallas, you’re really tall and all, but I don’t think that selection you posted is the best example of your work.” And I’ll say, “Thanks for the compliment and the honest critique,” and go cry myself to sleep. Or if I’m filling up your feed, just send me a quick, subtle message and say, “Hey, knock it off, you self-promoting hack. Nobody cared 5 minutes ago when you posted the link, and no one cares now. Heck, no one will care in 5 more minutes or 5 more years! Also, I really like the stubbly-facial hair look you’ve got going right now.” Again, critique and compliment… makes it easier to digest.

Okay. This is getting way too long. I expect plenty of TL;DR comments. /rant

Incomplete Thoughts on Completion

Have you ever noticed that things often become very difficult if you don’t have a deadline? Or a schedule? Or any self-discipline? Or a stack of imported Anime DVDs to watch with your wife? 

What has it been like eleventy months since I last blogged? Yeah, sure, I haven’t been active here in a while, but that’s not really what I’m talking about. I’m talking about a book, or – heck – how I approach projects in general. The closer I get to finishing, the more I find myself distracted, disengaged, and full of excuses. 

It’s like making a move in chess but keeping your finger on the piece. You’re pretty sure that moving your knight forward places the king in check and blocks retribution from the rook because your queen still has a bead on the crown. But what about that pawn, and that bishop, and that other pawn? Is this really the best possible move to make? I’ll just keep my finger here… maybe slide the piece back and forth between here and it’s starting position just to make sure I know what I’m doing. Meanwhile, I’m already thinking ahead to the next move, the next book, and trying to make sure that this play sets that one up properly, and the guy across the board from me has started playing Pokemon because he’s lost interest in the game. Ooh, Pokemon is fun. Maybe you should be playing that instead of chess.

Or maybe you’re decorating your Christmas tree with your family and you’ve got the tinsel spaced perfectly, the ornaments distributed nicely, the tinkerbell tree-topper looks great… everything’s working. Or so you’re told. You’re not so sure about the lights though… and that’s a pretty big deal. Plus, when you asked Steven about it, he was all wincing, and sucking in air through his teeth, and kind-of bobbly-headed with his response. Maybe you should just pull off a couple of layers and rebuild. But at least with Christmas décor you have a deadline. 

Right now, the last thing I want to do is rush, but eventually, if you sit there too long, you get hemorrhoids. And nobody wins with hemorrhoids… except maybe the company that makes Tucks.